Morning Coffee: Andrea Orcel is wildly ebullient about hiring at UBS. No, you may not move to the buy-side

Are you looking for a front office investment banking job? Andrea Orcel will hire you. And you. And you, and you. The chief executive of UBS is keen on signing-up all sorts of people according to his comments in an interview with Business Insider. 

UBS is hiring in Asia Pacific: "We are looking around for senior bankers who can move the business forward," said Orcel in reference to China and Australia, where UBS is hiring heavily in wealth management and across its investment banking division. UBS is hiring in the Americas, where it wants to "build out" its investment banking presence in sectors like consumer, retail, and industrials, and is "accelerating" this expansion. UBS is even hiring investment bankers in Europe, where recent "quality hires" have "bedded down," but there's still a need for people who fit "the role" and "the business."

Nor is it just IBD: Orcel said too that UBS plans to "continue to invest across the board" in equities (especially in the US), and that it intends to hire in FX, rates and credit where it "sees opportunity."

In other words, UBS wants to hire everywhere. 

Needless to say, there was no mention of the 300 European investment banking jobs UBS is said to be cutting in the weeks to come.

Separately, headcount figures from Abderdeen Asset Management are a warning for anyone who fancies themselves working on the buy-side. Financial News reports that Aberdeen's European fixed-income team employs around 30 staff who manage roughly £33bn ($48bn) between them - around £1bn each. By comparison, Goldman Sachs alone has 2,500 fixed income staff globally, of whom at least 1,250 are likely to be in the front office. In other words, the buy-side is tiny compared to the sell-side. Only the fortunate few can ever move across.

Meanwhile:

UBS hired some investment bankers in Latin America. (Reuters) 

HSBC hired a senior operational risk person from UBS. (Reuters) 

Risk-weighted assets at Credit Suisse's trading and corporate finance businesses are due to grow by more than a quarter by 2018. That's a bit strange. (NY Times)

Credit Suisse's European head of high yield bond trading is off to pursue his charitable interests. (Bloomberg)  

Tom Montag (chief operating officer and ex-head of the markets business at Bank of America) is no longer paid more than Brian Moynihan (the CEO). (Reuters) 

Pay at Goldman Sachs' London office fell 15% last year. (CityAm) 

At least someone’s getting paid at Wells Fargo. (WSJ) 

A Barclays analyst who was arrested for allegedly torturing his New York roommate’s cat is no longer a Barclays analyst. (Dealbreaker) 

One day, when his wife returned home, Tom Hayes “said ‘It’s gone’. She said, ‘What’s gone?’ And he said, ‘All of it, all of the money’. (Financial Times)

If you're black or Asia, you're more likely to get hired if you use a white-sounding name. (Bloomberg) 

Hack a Chromebook, win $100k. (RT) 

Lessons from a fund manager who lost $50m. (Intellinews) 

“This is Mark Carney, Governor of the Bank of England. I am texting you about your funds worth $6.5m so please text me back as soon as possible. Thank you and God Bless you.” (Guardian)